Ambien. No doubt about it.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
