Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
