so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
