I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
