Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
