I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
