Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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