did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
