that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
