I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
