I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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