Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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