i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
