After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
