i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The adults are the big ones right?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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