I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
