Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm gonna have a badass scar
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
