Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
