He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
