i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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