the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
