Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
