I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Randomize
