I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
