Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
