She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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