i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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