I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
