bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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