I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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