You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
