K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Mom said you looked used
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
