"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
