I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
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