I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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