Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
