I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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