You're my little dorito
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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