I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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