I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
