so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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