I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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