Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
