My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
