everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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