my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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