god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
a search helicopter?!
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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