your parents love me but you hate me
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
