At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
