I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Vodka?
Forever.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
