Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
