I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
