I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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